Two friends are out on a tense criminal errand, rushing down a highway through the Appalachians. Can they make it home with their illicit cargo, free to go about their lives making music and philosophizing, or will reality close in on them in the form of a cop car’s flashing lights?
—There’s at least a hundred and fifty plants in the back of the truck, each one a felony in West Virginia, and we know it. It’s the thing we’re not talking about. In fact, Goody’s not even talking; he’s singing.
“It’s a hard, haard life … when you’re livin’ on deep fried food.”
He’s driving this shit-brown Mazda pickup, trying to teach me the lyrics to his newest song. Sounds like Hank Senior doing a Chicago bluesman voice, or Lightnin’ Hopkins on two hits of Lou Reed. I love the distraction.
It’s about 1 a.m. and drizzling as we make our way east down Highway 50. One headlight’s out, the inspection sticker’s dead, and the clutch is quickly going vestigial, so, hey, why not sing? After a couple cycles I join in on the chorus, trying to harmonize in falsetto.
“It’s a hard, haard life … when you’re livin’ on deep fried food,” we sing.
We’re partners, me and Goody. Not in the new, political sense of the word. More like the John Wayne sense. This is what partners do: they dress in camo and haunt the backcountry all summer. They haul eighty-pound bales of peat moss through two miles of mountain briars. Partners dig three hundred holes in the woods with hand shovels and carry backpacks full of water over and over. They plant by moonlight like guerrilla gardeners, year after year, whether they make a penny or not. Mostly not.
We’ve been partners on and off since I was about eighteen. Really though, we go back further than that. Goody’s family and mine are commingled in a bastard, Appalachian kind of way that’s sort of irrelevant right now. No point in laboring the details on that score. But, our parents used to hang out in the seventies. By that I mean they used to mainline tainted Sissonville crank together.
It’s raining full on now as we continue down 50, and I’m worried about the cargo. It’s all wrapped tight, but the last thing we need is extra water weight. The shit is totally fresh, moist and stinky and straight out of the ground. The whole score this year, yanked prematurely in an emergency harvest. This is not how the scheme was devised. Nobody drives with wet shit. Dudes camp out like Rambo in the woods with tarps and canned soup and shotguns watching their crops cure just so they don’t have to drive with fresh shit. But not us. Not this year. I’ve got a paper due tomorrow: twenty pages on Barry Stroud and Cartesian skepticism.
This is a tenuous business, hauling shit back and forth from Mon County down to Jackson all the time, but Staddlerville’s no place to grow. Southern Jackson’s a lot more remote, and we know the land. We know all the dead-end dirt roads, all the power line cuts, every southern-facing hilltop and abandoned barn in the county: our front-line.
We went down at the end of April after the last heavy freeze and put out clones and seedlings. Hundreds of the fucking things, as many as possible in patches of fifty or sixty. That’s always been our M.O.: some for the deer and termites, some for the junky-thieves and some for the Federales. If there’s any left come October it’s like we’re stealing it from them.
This morning we drove in to check on the crops—a daring but necessary daylight mission to gauge ripeness. When we hit the woods it was like the salting of Carthage. Total destruction. ATV tracks, toilet paper in trees, empty holes. We’d been bing’d. We could tell by the way the woods were trashed that it was federal. Helicopters had been involved, ground crews had been radioed. I could see it in my mind—four-wheelers, machetes, drawn guns, watering mouths, expensive boots.
They got all but three patches. The survivors weren’t ready, they needed two more weeks, but we had to uproot and retreat. It was premature product or nothing, and under the circumstances there wasn’t a lot of time for courteous debate on the subject.
We bundled it all up in tarps and hid out at the old Sugar Creek shack. We knew the sticker was bunk on the Mazda, so we waited till dark to travel back to Mon County. The dead headlight was God fucking with us.
And this is one true thing: you haven’t lived till you’ve jumped out of the roadside bushes in broad daylight with six-foot bundles of felony time under each arm. You haven’t died till you’ve reached that first Interstate on-ramp with a truckload of fresh religion and no hope at all.
Nobody does this. The shit is mostly water before it’s cured, and it stinks like sewer gas. And if you haven’t had time to trim then it’s mostly stems and leaves and stalks: useless chaff. But the Federales don’t see it that way, and they’ll weigh it up all the same if you give them the chance.
This is totally not my style. Goody knows driving’s never been my gig, he knows I can’t handle riding around with shit like this. It makes me sick. The stress fucks with my brain chemistry. Every car looks like a Brown Bear in the rearview. Every mile is a thousand petit mal panic attacks, but I put on the front, and I sing along.
“It’s a hard, haard life …”
Here’s the point—Goody Abshire, Beef Ro Mien, Rat Boy, Sam Sneed, G-Mar, Ol’ Red—all one and the same. He grew up in the junkyard on Fisher Ridge. His mom was married to Punkin Hicks who ran the Kentuck Wrecker and had about twenty acres of rust and busted glass spread out in the holler below his house. Goody’s house.
When he was young he used to walk through the rubble and tetanus and hike down the ridge to catch the school bus on Sugar Creek, partly because it came an hour later down there, partly to avoid being picked up in the middle of the junkyard.
Things weren’t too hot for Goody; he was Punkin’s actual, no-shit, redheaded stepchild. Punkin’s been a Jackson County staple as long as I can remember, always dressed in axle-greased camo overalls, even in the summer. Got that rub of Copenhagen or a wad of Levi Garret in his jowls, spitting his drool-tar at the ash door on the wood stove in the winter. He once went to auction and bought half a singlewide trailer and towed it out to the bottom at Sugar Creek. The damn thing’d been cut longways about middle and had some half-ass add-on swinging from the side. What a man would plan to do with something like that is a noble, Appalachian mystery.
One time Goody told me his first memory was of Punkin jabbing him in the ass with a poker from the wood stove. Burnt through his diaper, scarred him. To this day he wakes up screaming crazy shit in the middle of the night once or twice a month.
None of that matters too much though, because Goody is a positive thinker. He was born that way. You can’t beat that. Poverty can’t beat that. Recklessness, abuse, excess, criminal tendencies: nothing can beat that. Positivity’s the feather in his cap, like a karmic trump card, always on reserve. And we need it. Highway 50 is the gauntlet, a low-profile four-lane road that cuts through northern West Virginia, connecting I-77 and I-79. It comprises most of the trip between Sojackco and Staddlerville. It’s a notorious enforcement trap, but if we can make it to Clarksburg and back onto the Interstate we’re liable to survive the mission. Acknowledging the situation for what it is, I think this is strictly impossible.
Goody’s new song loses steam after about twenty miles, and we sit quietly for a few seconds, staring at the void, our eyes darting around the darkness, searching for the green flash of a wayward deer’s eye or the holographic glint from a cruiser’s shield decal. In that second my heart skips. Oppressive paranoia thrives in the steady hum of a road-bound Mazda pickup. But only for a second.
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The Real Deal by Curtis James McConnell
A dope dealer gets more than he bargained for when two strangers show up in a Ford Crown Victoria to make a buy. A battle of wills ensues as the dealer tries to discern the strangers’ intentions.
—By now Jack had the money out. He held it in one hand below the window level, but the kid got a good look at it. All hundreds, folded around a black elastic scrunchie. Jack slowly slid his thumb across the top bill and his fingers across the bottom so that the cecils fanned out like a green peacock with all the feathers named Franklin.
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Babar by Anne Opotowsky
Babar is the third story in a collection inspired by the Persian classic of the same name and is set in modern day New York City. It is stories of various New Yorkers as they grapple with the underlying desires that drive them to their fated ends. In Babar, inspired by Ali Baba, arrogance and lust gets the better of a man who assumes he is far beyond honesty’s reach. At it’s heart, this modern Arabian Nights is meant to be a fearless morality tale, about hedonists, taking place in a hedonistic hotbed, New York.
—My motivation was this: I wanted the money, I wanted it badly. I love money in unusual ways, even by Park Avenue standards. I kept fixating on the image Heloise had given me, about money falling out everywhere. I had since experienced a recurring, erotic image of me, naked, covered in Hector’s haystack of bills, my chest heaving, my erection poking through the hundred dollar bills.
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The Ill Tales of Mr. Gordonson by Carlos Velazquez
This is a sleazy, biographical dissection of Mr. Gordonson, the anti-hero with a heart of soot. His tale is both comic and disturbing as he tries to find his way through life without even the misguidance of his father. Perhaps he found a hero he can relate to in his boss, who happens to be going insane.
—After I exchange awkward glances with the guard I take the stairs up to the thirtieth floor. I walk thirty floors not because I have to, because I choose to. After that much work to get to your destination you look like shit. And nobody screws with the guy who looks like shit. I can sit down at my desk and stare at the screen for the next eight hours and nobody bothers me. Scrolling the internet for videos that piss me off. Maybe a couple dozen views of an execution. Hussein’s hanging. A child drowning. Something to pass the time. Then I’ll take a few swigs of a bottle I have taped to the underside of my desk. It’s a mixture of my own design. It contains a quarter corn liquor, a quarter absinthe, some Adderall and a hint of ether, all of which is drowned in Mountain Dew. You don’t have to drink that much to get an amazing buzz going.
I take a few sips of my elixir and sit back and watch flashing lights on my computer screen. My computer is turned off. This will be a fine day if I don’t see the boss. I see the boss. I have to kick back a few sips every time he walks by. He probably thinks I’m an alcoholic, but for some reason he likes that about me. His father probably always had the musk of whiskey when he comforted him as a boy. Maybe he’s just an alcoholic himself and likes the idea of a drinking buddy. I could give two shits less.
Four years ago he invited me out to the bar for a drink. I thought it was just my superior trying to get to know his worker bees. Perhaps celebrate a promotion. Either way, he said he was buying, so how could I refuse? After an hour and a half he had already downed nine beers, four shots, and two and half packs of cigarettes. Then he began to talk. He told me he watched his dog freeze to death one winter when he was just a kid. The dog scratched and barked and he just watched as it slowly went to sleep and never woke up again. He started talking about his wife that he never sees. His son he’s never met. His dog again. Then he grabbed my throat, threw me over the bar and started beating my ribs with the savagery only a drunken boss could give.
Before anybody could stop him he had already broken down in tears on my chest. The situation was so awkward for everyone in the bar we all just stood still. I just lay there stroking his hair on top of the bar. Nobody said a word. The music turned off. You could only hear him crying, cursing the world. Occasionally wiping his drool and snot on my sweater. We were there for an hour. After dry heaving for a minute or two, he got off my chest, threw a hundred dollar bill at the bartender and walked home.
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Triple Threat by Timothy Ghorkin
While drinking and gambling in Atlantic City, Tim finds himself sitting down at the poker table with a formidable opponent … Satan.
—After several attempts, Mike finally answers his phone. I can tell that the first four calls were completely ignored, as I can now hear the bells and whistles of a slot machine ringing in the foreground. The voice of a zombie answers, “Hell … Hell-o.”
I keep Mike talking just long enough to where I can deduce his exact location by following the distinct sounds of a very particular kind of machine—Mike’s nemesis, The Titan. Minimum bet: one dollar per spin. Fluids of panic instantly flood my blood stream. If it hasn’t happened already, Mike will blow his entire roll on The Titan if I leave him to his own disgusting devices. Mike is a rational human being, but keeping him away from a high swings slot machine is like trying to keep cookies in the cookie jar at Denis the Menace’s house.
Within minutes I locate Mike and see him sitting there by himself among the massive 10-foot-tall golden-metallic machines, and there’s a floor manager sniping him within arm’s reach, ready to hand him another room key or worse yet, a Black Card.
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The One-Legged River Ho by Sascha Matuszak
Describes a scene along China’s Funan River, where the One-Legged River Ho holds court. Be a witness to the mesmerizing show.
—The Funan River embraces the city like a mother still struggling with addiction. Sluggish and turbid then thin and translucent, ending in nodes of plastic, shit and rubble scattered through the crumbling zone between city and farm. Summer is here and the Funan is a swollen, retching thing releasing gas into the air and ebbing in and out of slime-choked canals.
This is what happens to Himalayan white water when it reaches the Chengdu Basin. Li Bing never wanted this.
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On the Line by Mike DiMarco
On the Line follows a young man searching for identity and a woman who finds herself slipping away from the life she has worked so hard to build. What begins as simple attraction quickly evolves into something deeper as the two spend a night together that will change the way they view the world.
—“Another?” He said this as though I wasn’t staring him down with bright red eyes and an evil plasma stink coming off my breath, and for this I respected him. The sign of a good bartender is to recognize when a man has had too much but truly needs another.
“Yeah.”
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Disappearances by Isaac Savage
Some strange things are happening in Aaron Lipinski’s home town, where he works at a job he despises: that of small town police officer. People are being reported missing, and an old couple keeps hearing strange noises outside their house, where the crows seem to gather.
—“Stop changing the subject. I want you, deputy, to write up some paperwork so we can get the judge to get us a warrant tomorrow. Because if ever there’s a day where kids will be partying, screeching and yelling, it’s the 4th of July.”
“Fuck you. I could use a drink. How about you?”
“Fuck. Compadre, I’d like to say yes, but I’ve got to do some paperwork on these supposed disappearances. Carter wants to make sure they can’t say we’re not taking this seriously.”
“Double fuck you.”
“Fuck Carter. I don’t buy this bullshit about these people ‘disappearing.’ I know Billy Tweed. Went to school with him. He was a few years older than you. Dude once set a bag of shit, his own shit I do believe, in Principal Kline’s driver seat. What kind of dude does something like that? Tweed was getting high in like 6th grade. I was once at a party, like the first high school party I ever went to, in 8th grade, and Tweed, I shit you not, he whips out his dick and starts smacking it with one of those fireplace stokers. Why? I have no idea. For a long time I thought shit like that was normal at parties, but I never seen anything like that since. They’re going to find his car in a ditch, somewhere. Now that couple that was supposedly passing through, I can’t say. There could be some legitimate ‘foul play’, but that’s not our business anyway. Last they were seen was not in this county. As for Mick, I don’t consider that legitimate at all. Now they’re saying this Wilson kid and his two friends are victim of foul play. The motherfuckers went out camping yesterday. They weren’t even supposed to be home until tonight. How are they missing? Only in this town, my friend, do we investigate shit based on a mother’s ‘bad feeling.’”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you Corbin. This job sucks the big one.”
“Hey, I’m not complaining. Well, I am. But I’m all for a little excitement. It makes the day go by. And you know what follows the day right? Night. And tonight, after I’m done with that crap, I’m going to have a certain little lady over to suck on my big one. That is life.”
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On a visit to his wife’s hometown in the deep south, Larry, a professor, catches his wife kissing an old sweetheart. This prompts Larry to attempt to become the essence of what he imagines she thinks is a real man.
—Larry grabbed the beer, took a long pull and watched Lonnie dive down deep again to play with the blue crab. Larry realized he wanted to be the type of man who could disembark a boat without as much as a fleeting thought about whether his woman was safe with whom he left her on board.
Or, Larry thought, as he snuck a peek of the glistening pubes that snuck out from under Dawn’s cutoffs, he wanted to be the man she wasn’t safe with. He wanted to be the man who would push her down, grab the throttle and send the gargantuan, fiberglass boner gliding toward Cuba.
Larry pounded himself into a four beer buzz, realized he was neither man, stripped down to his boxers and jumped into the clear water of Blue Spring.